Faltering Trust
by thelisa17
Summary: After the devastating news of his Abuelita's passing, will Rafael ever forgive himself? Trying to seek comfort from a new friend Olivia, would he be able to forgive himself for the pain he put her through? Eventually Barson.
1. Chapter 1

**Faltering Trust**

 **Disclaimer: All characters belong to Dick Wolf and NBC.**

 **AN:** Firstly, this is my first fanfic so please don't be brutal! Secondly, I am a huge Barson shipper which there aren't very many fanfics pertaining to them. This idea popped into my head after seeing the season 16 finale. We start off within December Solstice. Rating may change later, but for now it's rated T for some swearing. Please Please review!

 **CHAPTER 1**

Rafael didn't know why he was there, how he got there, or even how long he had been standing in front of Olivia's apartment. A fleeting memory fluttered through his foggy brain about running away. The cause was of the devastating news he received about his Abuelita passing away.

 _He remembers his mother calling him on his cell; on his way to grab some lunch, a much needed break from all of the horrors that SVU has to offer. "_ _Hola Mami_ _" as he answered his phone with a grin, but she didn't respond back. His mother was whispering something that he could barely make out. It suddenly dawned on him that she was repeating the same word, Abuelita. With the realization settling in, he felt his stomach drop while nausea was threatening to spill into his mouth. The only thing that he had that morning was his usual four cups of coffee. Rafael stammered out, "I'm on my way_ _Mami_ _." Almost dropping his phone on the way out the door as he rushed to his Abuelita's apartment in the Bronx._

 _After putting the car in park, he tried to remove the keys from their holding place but dropped them on the floor of his BMW 5 series. He realized that his hands were shaking and his breathing was labored. All the while trying to hold back tears that he knew he had no right in spilling. Before he got out of the car, he took two big gulps of air to try to calm himself. In the meantime, closing his eyes tightly to make sure whatever remnant tears that were still there would spill from their crevices. Wiping away the last remaining tears from his cheeks he took one last look in the mirror. He could see the frightened_ _niño_ _from el barrio creeping out._

 _He held his mother tight in his arms trying to not only console her but himself as well. He couldn't cry, wasn't allowed to cry. He could hear his Papi's voice in his head from all those years ago,_ _"¿Porque llores? Eres como una niña Rafael, los niños no lloren por nada. Nunca serás un hombre real."_ _\- Why are you crying? You're just like a little girl Rafael, boys don't cry for anything. You'll never be a real man. - That was right before his father slapped him in the face so hard that it knocked him off his feet._

 _His mother was crying fighting through the tears explaining how she came across her mother. His mind was fuzzy still having a hard time grasping the idea that she was really gone. His Abuelita who always believed in him when he had already given up. The person who had practically raised him after_ _Papi_ _had died and_ _Mami_ _was working two jobs to make ends meet. Rafael could only think of one thing. "It's my fault." At first, it came out as a whisper but then he repeated himself with much more clarity. With the clarity, came the guilt that crashed down upon him like a bag of bricks. He might as well have killed her with his own hands because that's what he did._

 _As soon as the words escaped his lips, he felt her stiffen in his arms. He knew right at that moment she blamed him. He looked up at his mother's eyes with fear in them that he couldn't hide. Her eyes, filled with anger and hate, stared at his with such intensity that he couldn't hold her gaze. He needed to run away. The scared_ _niño_ _from el barrio was back; he couldn't let him back out. Rafael did just that, he ran out the front door of Abuelita's building and into the blinding light of the day. After that everything was a blur. He faintly recalls driving to Central Park and walking around aimlessly as the hours passed by._

Now he was here in front of Olivia's door. He slowly lifted his wrist up to look at the time. His black and gold Rolex glistening for a second against the light of the hallway. It was 9:08 at night. The only reason giving him the impression of nighttime was the darkness that the window down the hall was engulfed with. He then felt himself knock on the door, two slow raps.

He froze, his hand still in mid-air. He hadn't thought this through. His mind was now reeling for the first time since hearing the devastating news. He couldn't be here. They weren't even friends. Yes they've spent countless nights at her place after work going over case files while eating dinner, but Noah was always there babbling in the background playing with his toys. "Oh shit, Noah" he whispered to himself. He had forgotten all about the little boy. He didn't want to intrude knowing that Olivia didn't get to spend much time with him because of work. She cherished the nights where she got off early enough to enjoy some time with the bubbly little boy before he went to bed. He admitted that seeing that beautiful smile when she was with Noah was the main reason he suggested for them to start meeting at her apartment after work. The little boy was starting to grow on him, something that he wasn't quite ready to admit.

Rafael let out a small whimper, all he wanted was to be held, to have someone tell him that everything would be alright. He no longer had Eddie or Alex to protect him from the pain, whether it were either physical or emotional. Would she do that for him? He assumed that she enjoyed spending time with him because after all the case files had been combed through, he always stayed after to chat over a nightcap. They could talk about anything and everything in the world and he loved seeing her genuinely laugh. Something that she hadn't been able to do for a while because of him. The bag of bricks riddled with guilt slammed into him again. He will never forgive himself for letting Lewis walk. Hell he doesn't even know how she could look over his failure like nothing happened. Because of him, she has cuts and burn scars all over her upper body. Most if not all would never fade. Every one of those scars were committed to his memory as she had to retell the graphic details of what Lewis had done to her in trial countless times.

He didn't hear any movement inside which he took that as a sign that she was already in bed. Suddenly deciding to leave, he brought his hand down so he could go back the way he once came. His knuckles hit the door with some force, the accidental knock being louder than the previous two. That is when he heard someone stir behind the closed door. Or to be more precise, Olivia was headed straight for the door. "Shit, shit, shit" he whispered to himself not knowing if he should flee or remain at the door to be most likely rejected as soon as she opened the door.


	2. Chapter 2

**Faltering Trust**

 **Disclaimer: All characters belong to Dick Wolf and NBC.**

 **AN:** So I had to continue writing this next chapter since the idea was fresh in my mind.

Let me know what you guys think! Please Please review! THANKS A BUNCH!

 **CHAPTER 2**

Olivia was creeping out of Noah's bedroom when she heard what sounded was a knock. The knock was soft and barely audible. As she closed the door hoping the sound wouldn't wake him up, she stopped to listen, her hand still on the door jamb. The last thing she needed was for Noah to wake back up. He woke up an hour ago with what seemed to be a nightmare. Something that for some reason was becoming more and more of an occurrence. She couldn't hear anything else so she dismissed the sound all together. Must have been her imagination. She was exhausted with working a grueling ten hour shift today with barely 3 hours of sleep, her body was really hating her at the moment. Despite her aching body, she wanted to stay up; felt the need to stay up.

She had received an unexpected call from the DA himself asking her if she knew the whereabouts of ADA Rafael Barba. Confused she answered, "I'm sorry but I haven't heard from him today. Is there something wrong?" Before the DA could answer she already had a sneaking suspicion that something was indeed terribly wrong. She racked her brain to the last time Rafael and she had spoken.

 _He was lounging on her sofa with his tumbler of scotch on the rocks in his right hand barely touched while his left was lounging across the back of the sofa. As she finished her drink, she looked up at him. He seemed like he was in a trance. He was obviously in deep thought with his eyebrows furrowed slightly gazing down at the dark amber liquid._ _His eyes were a sullen grayish blue today. Not long after they'd met, she noticed that his eyes changed color based off of what he wore that day. If she hadn't known any better she would think that they changed color with his mood. Today, he wore a light grey suit with matching vest, a lavender shirt, mauve suspenders and tie. His eyes were mesmerizing; some days they were the color they were now, others they seemed to sparkle like green emeralds._ _She hadn't noticed that she was staring at him until he lifted his sad eyes to meet her chocolate ones. Gloomily he spoke for the first time in what seemed like hours, "She doesn't want to move." He didn't seem to try to hide the sadness in his voice. The Rafael Barba that was sitting in front of her wasn't the cocky, quick-tongued ADA from Manhattan. He was the scared_ _niño_ _from el barrio that he tries to hide from the world for fear of hurting him. At that moment she knew whom he was referring to without him saying another word. She had this sudden urge to move closer to him on the sofa and hold him tightly in her arms. She wanted nothing more than to take away the sadness from his eyes. She feared that he may not welcome her touch and would push her away instead. They hadn't had much physical contact other than the occasional bump or run into each other. So she sat in place without moving a muscle allowing him to speak further if he wished to. He took a swig from his tumbler of scotch before changing the subject. A smirk spread across those beautiful pink lips, "well, I better get going. I have some fish to catch in the morning." He quickly got up from his position and put the now empty tumbler in the sink catching her off-guard. She sat in silence while she watched the_ _niño_ _from el barrio retreat back to where he came. Before he walked out of the door, Rafael turned towards her with the most sincere look in his eyes, "Thank you Olivia." With that he promptly walked out of the door before she could respond._

The DA had asked her another question before he confirmed her suspicions that his Abuelita had passed away. To her surprise the DA was worried about Rafael and had even asked her if she could keep an eye on him to make sure he was fine. She of course immediately agreed, reassuring him that she would be checking in on him regularly. As she hung up the phone with the DA, she quickly dialed Rafael's number. The phone rang until his voicemail picked up, she decided best to not leave a message. She didn't want him to hear the concern in her voice. He would probably scoff at her whenever he managed to call her back.

 _He always had this air about him that showed strength and dominance. You couldn't walk into a room and not notice Rafael Barba. Even though he was her height, something about him was so very male. She couldn't figure out if it was his cologne, his quick tongue, or the way he carried himself. But she knew better than that, she knew that within that hard outer shell was a frightened_ _niño_ _from el barrio. The very same_ _ni_ _ño_ _being_ _afraid to show any weakness around anybody, something she understood all too well. After her abduction by Lewis those around her treated her like she was broken, a child that needed to be watched twenty-four-seven, like a victim. She couldn't stand the pitying looks from everyone including her own squad. She was sure they didn't mean to make her feel inadequate, but she could never get away from the secret looks her way that they would toss over to make sure she was ok. It was different with Rafael. Instead of pity, she saw something else in his eyes, guilt. He blamed himself for not locking Lewis up the first time. The first night that he had come over with dinner in hand to go over some case files, she mentioned to him that she didn't blame him for what happened. He looked away from her with what looked like tears that formed quickly in his eyes. When he turned his eyes back to her, the tears were no longer there nor was the guilt. She was sure that he still hadn't forgiven himself but rather hid the guilt from his eyes so she wouldn't see. From that night forward her treated her like before, well maybe not like before. His tone and demeanor towards her was softer; he seemed to seek her approval even at times making sure he caught her gaze when he said something particularly insensitive about a victim to let her know that's not how he meant it._ She knew that he had been put through hell through Lewis' second trial going over the gory details of his four day assault on her. He saw right through her just as she saw through him. Albeit it took him longer to show that side of him, all the while she was still thankful. Their relationship shifted slightly that night. A, what she believed, mutual trust between them growing.

He was her friend, this she knew, deep down she also knew she felt more for him but she refused to let herself explore anything more for him than friendship. Her past record with men didn't lie to how many times her heart was broken when she crossed that line. Even with him. She can admit now that she fooled herself once upon a time that Elliot and she would work out somehow. At the time when he left without saying a word, she was devastated and at the time she thought she loved him. Looking back now she understands that it wasn't love for Elliot but more an infatuation. Whether he ever felt anything more for her she would never know. _"It would be best if it stayed that way"_ she thought.

The day seemed to drag by without there being any calls that came in that day. Everyone was just idling about trying to get the motivation to finish all of the paperwork that had been piling up over the past week. Olivia looked up from the diminishing mound of paperwork on her desk pulling out her cell for the umpteenth time to see if Rafael had contacted her back. She saw that he hadn't responded back to her call or texts that she had sent throughout the day. Frustrated she dialed his number and mumbled, "Rafael where are you?" Instead of ringing, the phone went straight to voicemail. This was very odd for Rafael because he never let his battery die past 30% charge. Her worry was starting to get the best of her when she heard a knock on the door.

"Come in."

Amanda Rollins peeked her head through the door, "Hey Sarge, the guys and I were wondering since it's slow if we could head out a little early?"

Olivia looked at Rollins with a steady gaze making sure she couldn't detect her worry. She hadn't told the squad about Rafael's Abuelita. She wasn't sure if he would want her to since she knew he was a very private person making sure his professional and private lives never intertwined. She let out a sigh, "I'm sure the guys would love to be able to catch the Knicks tonight. I guess we could all use the rest after such a busy week."

"So, is that a yes?" She drawled out.

Olivia laughed, catching Rollins off-guard, "Yes, that's a yes. I better see everybody out of the squad room before I leave." She stated the last part with a bit more seriousness.

"Thanks Sarge!" As Rollins was closing her door, "Hey guys, we need to dip outta here before Benson comes out!"

"Don't have to tell me twice." She could hear Fin say from the other side of the door, chuckling to herself. Her squad scrambled to grab their things to head towards the elevator.

"Hey wait for me!" Carisi yelled to the others. Obviously he was a little too slow for the liking of the others.

Olivia waited until she couldn't hear any more noise coming from the squad room before she emerged from her office after gathering her things to go home. There was still some light out being that it was only 6:30 pm. First she thought that she would walk home being that she would still be early enough to feed and bathe Noah herself. As soon as she stepped outside of the precinct, the cold wind air blew over her face chilling her to the bone. Obviously as the day progressed, the temperature had dropped into the single digits. Quickly she turned to walk towards the curb to hail a cab.

Once she arrived home, Noah was cranky as ever. Lucy explained that he refused to be put down for a nap. She thanked Lucy as she gathered her things and left. Looking back at the now closed door she turned back to Noah and brushed a kiss on his soft hair. The rest of the night consisted of her fighting with Noah to do anything. He was so tired from lack of sleep, all he would do is have a fit about everything. After being able to soothe him back to sleep again after his nightmare, she walked towards the kitchen. Tonight was definitely worth a glass or two of wine to unwind. With worry over Rafael still not contacting her back after the few attempts to contact him and with Noah being so fussy tonight, a drink was surely needed. That's when she heard it. It was clearly a knock, just a single knock. She set the bottle and wine glass down to move towards the door to see who it could be. Deep down she was hoping it would be Rafael. When she opened the door to see who it was, she stood there dumbfounded. There was nobody there. She was certain she heard a knock, so she poked her head out of the door to see down the hallway but was met with an empty hallway. Confused, she closed the door and made sure she locked the door nice and tight for good measure.

"Well that was weird." She exclaimed as she took the now full glass of wine to her lips.


	3. Chapter 3

**Faltering Trust**

 **Disclaimer: All characters belong to Dick Wolf and NBC.**

 **AN:** This chapter was a bit rough to write, constantly changing the wording. I hope you guys like how it's turned out. Again let me know what you guys think! So far I've only received three reviews. C'mon you guys! I know there's something you want to say! Please please review! THANKS A BUNCH!

 **CHAPTER 3**

Rafael was breathing heavily as he was mentally kicking himself for running away like that. When he heard Olivia approaching he made a mad dash for the stairway. Even though he was out of sight from her he could still see Olivia poke her head out scanning the hallway for the source of the knock. With a confused look on her face she had closed the door. _Why did he run away like that?_ As soon as the question formed in his head, he knew the answer to it. _He was terrified of showing his true feelings. He was El Tiburón in the courtroom, not a pathetic excuse of a man that couldn't control his own emotions. "Una niña" like his father would always gladly call him._ He slumped down against the stairs trying with all his strength to not let his tears fall. He was generally a pretty confident person but when he got down to criticizing himself he knew how to do himself in. I guess he was so used to being put down by his mother and father growing up that he took it upon himself to do it before anyone else had the chance to. He was the only one who could beat himself up to the point where he wouldn't want to get back up. That's when his mind flashed back to Olivia's beautifully confused face. He remembered when he had first mentioned his dilemma with his Abuelita in passing one day while he went to get an update about a case at the precinct. Even then, she reassured him, " _you're doing your best by her. She may not know it yet, but eventually she will be grateful._ " She had no idea how much those words had soothed him that day.

 _Then the other night after having yet another argument with Abuelita, her living arrangements seemed to be the only thing he could really concentrate on while he was over at Olivia's. That night had been different. As if Noah could sense his sadness, he stuck to him like glue. Every few minutes, Noah would look over at him to make sure he was still smiling. Olivia had excused herself to the bathroom leaving me alone with Noah. She trusted me more than I trusted myself, something that I was still in awe about. I was staring at the papers in my hand, clearly not looking at them, and hadn't noticed Noah had looked over his shoulder to check up on me. It wasn't until he had placed his tiny hand on my cheek that I realized what he was doing. Tears started forming in my eyes. I hadn't thought in a million years that children this young could be so perceptive. Noah gently ran his hand softly against my cheek while whispering my name in a calming manner "Rauf" not being able to pronounce my name in full. That's when I broke out with the biggest grin on my face._ _"¿Que pasa amigo? No te preocupes por mí, estoy bien mi amiguito."_ -What's wrong my friend? Don't worry about me, I'm fine my little friend.- _My answer must have been satisfactory enough because with that Noah giggled and crawled back to his spot playing with his shark and blocks._

" _He really has taken a liking to you Rafael." I looked up from Noah to meet Olivia's chocolate brown eyes. Her grin was just as big as mine was. She must've seen the interaction between Noah and me._

" _I would have to agree with you on that one, but who would have known that babies like me… of all people? Well at least this baby does." Her chuckle was such a rich sound. When they had finished with dinner, putting Noah to bed, and the case files were scrutinized over, Olivia had brought him a tumbler of his favorite drink. He took the glass obligingly as she sat on the other side of the sofa facing him. A quiet calm had fallen upon them, it wasn't awkward at all as one might think it would be. It was more relaxing than anything. He found himself gazing into the amber liquid of his drink, thinking back to the horrible argument he had earlier with his Abuelita. He didn't know how long they sat in the quiet of each other's company or how long Olivia had been staring at him, but he finally raised his head up to meet her searching quizzical eyes. "She doesn't want to move" he stated flatly, or so he thought. Glad that the realization of whom he was speaking about had dawned on her. She herself was also very perceptive, I guess that's what makes her such a damn good detective and sergeant. As he dropped his gaze back down to his drink, he was expecting her to question him. Of what he wasn't sure, but was surprised that she kept quiet giving him the time for him to continue if he wanted to without any pressure. It became apparent to him that this was truly the first time that he was allowing him see the real him. The hurt scared niño from el barrio was out for her to see. The quiet had extended out a little longer than he liked and so he changed the subject of him leaving. He knew he had surprised her with his sudden change but before he walked out the door, he made sure to thank her. Something about that night had shifted their relationship, for the better he thought._

He took a deep sigh and muttered to himself, "She deserves better than this." Once again he found himself standing in front of Olivia's door. This time though he knew why he was there. He knocked on the door confidently to make sure that she would be able to hear. Hoping that he hadn't taken too long to finally have the guts to be himself, wishing that she were awake.

She had just gotten comfortable on her couch with her glass of wine and a rerun of The Bachelor when she heard knocking on her door. She knew she wasn't going crazy, she clearly heard multiple knocks this time. "It better be Rafael" she grumbled as she was unlocking the tightly locked locks from her door. As she swung the door open cautiously, she got a glimpsed his trademark Louis Vuitton shoes. Relief washing over her as she finished opening the door with a smile plastered to her face. Before she knew it she had her arms wrapped around him. She felt his body instantly tense, "Rafael, I'm…" she was cut off before she could fully pull away from him, he relaxed in her arms wrapping his own arms around her tightly as if he was holding on for dear life.

"No Liv, don't be sorry. This feels good, especially after today." He was surprised by her reaction. Clearly underestimating just how worried she had been over him.

"I'm so glad you're ok. How about we get out of the doorway and into the apartment?" She said this as she dropped her hands to his arms while running them up and down his arm a bit.

"That sounds like a great idea." As they made their way into her apartment, Rafael saw how Olivia was already taking out a tumbler and filling it with ice as he was removing his coat and suit jacket to set them on the arm of the couch. "Look, I have to apologize" he stuttered nervously. _He was never nervous. Why were his palms sweating?_

With the sound of his uncertain voice she looked up at him, "apologize for what Rafael?"

"Earlier when you answered the door… that was me." He sheepishly grinned her way. Hoping that it would diffuse any aggravation he may have caused earlier.

She looked at his sheepish grin, not being able to help a small smile forming across her face. Sighing, "Honestly, I'm glad that you came to me Rafael. You have no idea how worried I've been about you. When I called and your phone went straight to voicemail…" She couldn't meet his gaze this time letting herself trail off to leave him to guess the horrific thoughts that had coursed through her head all day.

His eyes widened in shock. "Liv, I'm so sorry. I forgot my phone in the car all day. I guessed it died." He searched his pockets to only come up empty. " _It still must be in the car,_ " he mused. He stepped closer to her picking up the now full tumbler of scotch from the counter with his right hand. The left instinctively caressed her cheek, not surprised at how soft it was. She leaned into his caress, "I'm sorry Olivia."

She knew that his apology had a lot more meaning to it than just apologizing for not being able to reach him all day. She lifted her right hand to cover his; stilling his thumb in the process of making circles on her cheek. "Rafael, you don't have to be sorry any longer. I don't blame you for what happened to me. What Lewis did is on him, he doesn't have the right to ruin our friendship and I won't allow him to do so."

He casted his eyes down for a second before he was able to raise them back up to meet her steady gaze. When he did, he knew he couldn't hide the guilt that he'd been feeling so long from his eyes. A single tear ran down his cheek which she used her right hand to wipe away. His hand felt bare without her touch on his hand. His cheek on the other hand felt the heat from her hand like the sun caressing his face on a warm sunny day.

Both stood in the kitchen like that for what seemed like an eternity. Staring into each other's eyes so many words were understood without them ever being said. Rafael was the first to break the spell that had fallen upon them with a sigh. "You're too good to me Liv. I can't fathom why or how you've forgiven me for what he did to you."

"Do you trust me?" The question threw Rafael for a loop. His face was now that of curiosity and confusion. "Do you trust me?"

"I…" he looked at her with deep consideration, "Yes Liv, I trust you."

A smirk crept up on her face, "Good. You should." More seriously she stated, "You were there for me during one of the most difficult times of my life Rafael. The only one who didn't treat me like I was broken. I knew I could trust you because you would fight for me, always being in my corner. I need you to trust me that I will always fight for you. You never left me and I intend to never leave you."

For the first time in his life, he was at a loss for words. The witty, quick-tongued Rafael Barba had nothing to say. In what seemed like ages, he acted on his impulse. He leaned towards Olivia brushing a soft kiss on her lips, "Ok Liv."


	4. Chapter 4

**Faltering Trust**

 **Disclaimer: All characters belong to Dick Wolf and NBC.**

 **AN:** So here is where the story diverges and the rating has to be changed to M. This chapter was fun to write… not sure if that is a good thing or not. Either way, I would really like some feedback on this chapter especially as well as the overall story. I'm not sure if I will continue the story after this, but I'm still deciding. Please please review! THANKS A BUNCH!

 **CHAPTER 4**

She should have been surprised when Rafael had kissed her but she was pleased instead. His lips were so tender and gentle that she was sorry when he pulled back. She felt heat coiling in a place that she honestly never thought she would ever feel again. She didn't know what this was or what they were doing but she had meant every single word. She honestly couldn't imagine her life without Rafael just as much as she couldn't imagine her life without Noah. At this moment all she knew was that she wanted more. She wanted his lips on hers, she wanted to be able to touch every inch of him and be able to lock into memory every dip and curve of his lightly toned body. She set her wine glass back on the counter and tugged at his tie to bring him in for a kiss. Her kiss was in contrast to his initial one: searching, eager, hungry.

Rafael lavished in the very scent of her. Her familiar perfume driving him insane, so when she kissed him, he never missed a beat. He matched his hunger with hers while his left hand settled at the back of her nape, his right grabbing desperately at her ass pinning her to him. He was certain that she could feel the length of him growing on her thigh as he asked for access to her mouth as he ran his tongue along her bottom lip, delightfully her lips parted.

As Rafael assaulted her senses with his kiss, reason tried to sneak up on her. She quickly squashed her fears of reality, relishing in the moment instead. " _Later, later they would figure everything out._ " She should have known that he was an amazing kisser. With just a single swoop of his tongue, she felt herself give into the moan that escaped from… from where she had no clue but she took that moment to slip her hands that were at the back of his neck into his shirt. Lightly scratching his skin as another moan ripped through her. He shuddered underneath her touch breaking the kiss to savor her neck where her pulse was erratic. His mouth set her skin on fire, as he lifted his head back up to capture her lips. She moved her hands to the front of his shirt, tossing the tie on the counter and going straight for the buttons on his shirt.

Their lips parted both panting hard; both trying to catch their breaths. She stopped unbuttoning his shirt when she sensed he was looking at her. Raising her eyes to his, she was afraid that he was going to retreat, reality was probably stopping him. Astonishingly, all she could see was hunger and desperation in his beautiful blue-grey eyes. He leaned his forehead to hers and with a hoarse voice he asks, "Are you sure you want this?"

With a smile she answered, "I couldn't be surer of anything in my life." She took his lips in hers once more before she dropped her hands to grab ahold of his to lead him to her bedroom. As she silently closed her bedroom door, she became self-conscious for the first time the entire night. She turned around to face him, when her fears were put to rest. He pushed her up against the door picking her up and wrapping her legs around his torso. " _Just like in the courtroom he was JUST as aggressive and dominant, something she was liking more and more_ " she thought to herself.

His lips crashed into hers as she wrapped her legs around his torso even tighter. He withdrew his lips from hers to only continue the onslaught on her neck, slowly moving further down. With the new sensations on her skin, she leaned her head back as she moaned out loud. Pleased with his assault, he moved them to the bed, gently laying her down on her back. As he moved on top of her to continue with his rampage on her skin, he slipped her shirt over her head. In what seemed like one swift swoop, he removed her sweatpants and panties with one hand. He took a moment to admire her beautiful form. How her chest was rising up and down, her breasts perfect mounds, nipples hard and erect. Quickly he undressed, his now fully firm shaft at full attention. He moved towards her putting a knee in between her thighs.

She went to cover her some of her scars from his intent gaze, but before she could, "Liv don't" she heard him whisper.

He took one hand and grabbed both of her wrists and positioned her hands above her head so he could get an even better look at each and every one of her scars. She felt his demeanor change towards her, he was no longer desperate to ravish her. The hunger was still there but along with that hunger was something else. It was something that she's never seen in his eyes before, " _was that love?_ " Slowly he positioned himself on top of her, sensuously kissing her scar that was right below her collarbone. Using his free hand, he started flicking and twirling one of her taught nipples with his fingers. With a quick intake of air she closed her eyes reveling in the sensations. Placing light kisses on her body until his mouth had replaced his fingers, her body arched towards his mouth as a moan escaped through her lips. She could feel a smile tug at his lips as he continued his incursion. He let his hand that had been holding her hands above her head drop, running his fingers along the side of her body until he reached her hips. There he dipped two fingers in between her folds, her body reeling with this new sensation. Slowly he rubbed her clit in between his index and middle fingers.

He was enjoying her writhing underneath his touch when he decided to stop all together. She looked up at him with the most confused look on her face as she lay sprawled out for him to see. "Wha-what…"

"Shhh" he silenced her with a kiss. As he broke off their kiss he stared into her eyes pleading him to continue. So he obliged by shifting himself a bit further down the bed. He slipped his middle finger in her vagina, feeling her tense up for a second. He waited for her to relax as he started rubbing her clit with is thumb while moving his middle finger slowly back and forth inside her. Smirking he looked up at her face to see the pleasure there, but it was short lived. She had grabbed a pillow to stifle the moans that were flowing out of her, making sure that she wasn't too loud. Slowly, he stopped rubbing his thumb against her clit and focused on finding her G-spot. Curling his finger slightly, he moved upwards until he felt it, the rough little patch of tissue, now enlarged a bit with her arousal. He slowly started stroking her G-spot her body instantly responded by releasing more juices onto his finger. She kept the pillow still with her left hand while her right was gripping the sheets her knuckles turning white. The smirk never leaving his face, he slipped his index finger continuing his ambush of her G-spot. By now, her juices were dripping down to his wrist like a trickling stream. Her moans louder and louder as the seconds ticked by. Her lower body beginning to buckle against his fingers.

She didn't know how much more she could take from his onslaught, all of her senses were being bombarded by him. The pillow at this point was doing nothing to tamper down on her moans, so she flung it across the room. Her body naturally moving in rhythm with his movements, she threw her head back into the bed. "Oh, God Rafael" she managed to get out, "please, I need you now" she begged.

He had been holding himself back from doing everything that he could possibly think of. Wanting her to enjoy and relish their time together without overwhelming her. His cock had been aching for the past few minutes with a bit of pain, but he ignored it in order to hear her say those words. As soon as the words fell from her lips, he lost all control from ravishing her. He quickly removed his fingers, sucking the juices off of them before he began his assault on her lips. He lifted his head to be able to watch the pleasure pass over her face as he aligned his shaft up to her opening before plunging inside. Intuitively, she wrapped her legs around his ass to match his thrusts while searching for his lips hungrily. It felt like he couldn't get enough of her. "Hold on," he grounded out. He moved her legs up so they rested on his shoulders. Soon their movements became desperate as they pounded into each other. The smacking of skin to skin and the occasional moan or grunt was the only thing that could be heard in the now silent room. "Oh my God," she moaned, "Rafael!"

With his name rushing through her lips as she climaxed, Rafael soon followed suit, "¡Ay Dios mío!"

They tumbled into each other, breathing heavily trying to catch their breaths. A smile was exchanged between the two of them as they wrapped their arms around each other.


	5. Chapter 5

**Faltering Trust**

 **Disclaimer: All characters belong to Dick Wolf and NBC.**

 **AN:** Ok… soo please don't hate me. Everything can't be butterflies and daisies, right? Honestly, it kind of broke my heart writing this chapter. At some point we've all been there.

Please please review! THANKS A BUNCH!

 **CHAPTER 5**

As they lay there in silence, Olivia on his chest with his arms wrapped tightly around her, he thought to himself, " _I never would have guessed that everything would turn out the way it did. She forgave me a long time ago and it's high time to forgive myself as well. THAT is easier said than done. Even though Lewis marred her body with countless scars, she couldn't be any more beautiful than she is now. This must have been her first time since Lewis. Well no, maybe not. After Lewis she was still with Brian for a short while. Brian, the dull-witted man. He never knew what had attracted Liv to the man that was as dumb as rocks. Just look at her."_ From the very moment he set eyes on her he wanted her. She was a very attractive woman with dark chocolate brown eyes but she was different he mused. As soon as she opened her mouth, he knew she was special even though she may not have liked his comment about bringing you daughter to work day. A smirk running across his face, he gently placed a kiss at the top of her head. A slight hmm of appreciation was heard. " _Sounds like she's falling asleep_ ," he then remembers how during the trial she had jumped at the touch of his hand on her arm. She tried so hard to not show it, so he pretended not to notice.

" _No, there's no way Brian had been able to touch her without her jumping out of her skin every time."_ He was happy that she chose him, honored. Not to sound conceded but he was sure she wouldn't be able to forget this night so easily.But why did he still feel bad?What they did was something that in all honesty should have never happened. From the very first fateful day of their meeting he promised himself that nothing would ever happen between them. He couldn't cloud his professional life with his personal one. He tried that once when he was just starting out all new and green, he had an affair of sorts with one of the interns. It almost cost him his job. Since then, the only women he sought out were those who could help fill the void in his life, sex. He had never cared for a family before, not wanting to have to put his children through the horrific upbringing he had to endure with his father, no matter how short lived it was. Noah had been growing on him the last few months, even trying to console him when he was upset. _"But I don't see myself as a great father figure to him."_ If things were to progress with the graciousness of God on their side, what can he expect the outcome to be? Thankfully, he hasn't angered him yet. _"I'm afraid of getting mad and hitting him."_ What was he honestly thinking? He vowed as a teenager to never have children. No matter how strong his feelings were for Liv, he couldn't put Noah through that kind of torture. But what are his feelings for Olivia? This he wasn't quite sure. He never felt this way about anyone before. " _I suppose I came close with Yelina once upon a time. But that ship sailed a long time ago._ " Any and all feelings he had for her have completely disappeared. When Yelina had confronted him, asking him if going after Alex had anything to do with her choosing him instead of Rafael, he was appalled. " _I wanted to throw it in her face that she was the last thing from my mind, that I had someone else. But that would've been a lie… well kind of._ " Even though Olivia and he were just friends, he cared for her deeply. He wanted to wipe away all of her fears and worries. He didn't want her to suffer at the hands of others anymore; he wanted to protect her. Most nights she was the last thing that he would think about before he drifted to sleep. " _Is this love? No, it can't be. Could it_?"

Olivia winced from the bright light streaming from the window onto her face. Trying to get into a more comfortable position trying to hide away from the sun, she realized that every single muscle in her body was aching. Her mind still bogged down by the fog of sleep, she slowly tried stretching them, " _why does my body hurt…_ " All of a sudden everything that happened last night came crashing down causing her to jolt into a sitting position. As she recalled every single detail of last night, her cheeks started to flush, and that oh so familiar fire starting to ignite in the pit of her stomach. Pushing the thoughts to the back of her mind, she slowly studied her bedroom. She was in the bed alone, a pang of sadness stung her like a bee sting. With a throaty voice she said out loud "where is he?" The clothes that had been strewn across her bedroom floor were no longer there. Her clothes were neatly folded in the chair that sat in the corner of her bedroom, his were nowhere to be seen. Taking a deep breath she gradually got up from bed, glancing over at the clock on her bedside table. _6:27_

She had about another hour before Noah would wake up. Gently, she put on her clothes from last night, the clothes she was wearing when she answered the door to his beautiful sullen face. Sobs were starting to form before she even reached the door. She took a deep breath, "Ok Liv. Don't get emotional. Maybe you're over reacting. Maybe he's still here, just went to the kitchen to get some breakfast. Or maybe he's with Noah." With her fleeting words of encouragement she opened the door and started down the hallway. Steadily she walked down the hall, staving off her tears that were threatening to fall. She checked Noah's room and saw her beautiful baby boy still fast asleep in his crib, a small smile formed on her lips. As she closed his door to continue down the hall, she listened intently for any sounds that could be coming from the kitchen. In turn she was met with dead silence. Finally, she reached the end of the hallway dreading what she may not see on the other side and turned to view the kitchen. Her stomach dropped and her heart sank to the ground. Every single piece of evidence of his presence from last night had been erased. His tie no longer on the kitchen counter and even their glasses from last night were eradicated. As if he was never there from the start. This time she didn't stop the tears from spilling over. Sliding to the floor with a thud, she sobbed into her shirt as the sobs were starting to rack her body.

" _What happened? Why did he leave without saying a word? Was it something she said or done?_ " She tried to recall every detail of the night before. With everything that had happened the only thing that she could think of was that last night was " _perfect._ " After everything that had happened with Lewis, she wasn't able to let anyone close. She jumped every time Brian even as much touched her without warning her. " _He was her first since HIM. He made sure that I was tended to, making sure my needs came before his. A night that I'll never be able to forget. And yet, he's gone. HOW can he cruelly commit to making such a wonderful memory to only disappear as if it never happened? Probably left in the middle of the night while I slept. He probably realized what he did and jumped ship as soon as he was in over his head. What if he only used me for sex? He was clearly upset last night. What if I was just a distraction for him? That has to be it. He used me for his sadistic pleasure. Why else would he have done anything with her? He had every opportunity in the past in order to do so, but only chose to when he needed someone. Never wanting the drama and headache that came with being with a middle-aged woman with a toddler."_ This wouldn't hurt as badly if she hadn't let her feelings get in the way. If she would have just trusted her instincts last night, she could've avoided the entire thing. _"Especially now. How stupid of me to think that for once in my life I could truly be happy. Noah has brought so much joy into my life, but it's not the same._ " She had no one to share the bliss she felt towards finally being a mother. No one to love her. Maybe she was incapable of being loved? Maybe there is something wrong with her that's caused every man in her life to up and leave. None of the men in her past had been similar in personality or appearance. She was the only common thread. " _It has to be me._ " She thought that she knew pain and heartache. She'd been through it so many times before, the last being Brian. She thought she knew heartbreak when Elliot left. The only thing she could do was to bang the back of her head against the cabinet, " _Why can't I ever learn? Why am I so stupid?_ " Gargled sounds were escaping from her mouth as she was trying to catch her breath in between the sobs and tears streaming down her face. This time is different. This pain is stronger, like her heart was being wrenched out from her chest to only break into a million tiny pieces.


	6. Chapter 6

**Faltering Trust**

 **Disclaimer: All characters belong to Dick Wolf and NBC.**

 **AN:** So this chapter is a bit shorter than the rest. But rest assured, things are slowly going to be getting to where we all want and hope for Barson to be! Enjoy!

Don't forget to please review! THANKS A BUNCH!

 **CHAPTER 6**

Olivia can't remember when the sobs had stopped or when the tears had dried up. She was on the floor curled up in a ball when she heard Noah babbling in his room. Thankfully today was Saturday so she didn't have to go into work. In all honesty, she wouldn't be able to handle seeing him after what he did last night. Gradually getting up, she went to the kitchen sink, turned on the cold water, and splashed her face. The icy cold water did little to relieve the pain she felt in her heart. A she was drying her face on a kitchen towel she stood there. _I feel so numb. But I can't let that affect Noah. He will not have the privilege of ruining the little time she does get to spend with Noah._ Plastering a smile on her face, she opened the door to her beautiful bubbly little boy.

"Mama!" He always made it seem like he hasn't seen her in years. That special word that she never thought she would ever be able to hear always brought tears to her eyes. But unlike the ones she shed earlier, these were happy. Gratefully, she didn't receive any calls from work, whisking her away from Noah. He kept her busy during the day, but when night fell she succumbed to her misery, never having received a single text or call. She hated herself for being so weak _. She was supposed to be this strong person and yet here she is crying herself to sleep over some guy._

But he wasn't some guy, she knew better than that. He was Rafael Barba, the quick-tongued, witty, at times cocky ADA. The only man to make her feel alive after Lewis, like she was finally whole again. In her anguish, she kept going back and forth with herself, regretting ever allowing what happened Friday night to occur and switching to trying convince herself that she wouldn't have done anything different. _Why can't he just call, or send a text? An explanation or something!_ New tears rolled down her cheeks as she drifted off to sleep only to have to face him tomorrow.

He found himself exhausted with barely any sleep, flipping through the channels on his 70in TV. The entire weekend he spent cursing himself for leaving the way he did. _No not leave, I ran like a scared dog with my tail tucked between my legs. It was for the best anyways. I can't be playing house with Noah and Olivia. Maybe if Noah wasn't in the picture… "_ What am I saying? He was meant to be with Olivia."

 _She was meant to be Noah's mother on the other hand he… he what? How does he fit in the picture? He vowed as a teenager that he was never going to have children… but Noah technically isn't his child. If they try to make anything out of what happened from Friday night, he would be responsible for Noah. If things get serious, then he would be his father. He doesn't have a father figure right now just a bunch of Uncles… Is he ready for that kind of commitment? Even though hurting him whether it be unintentional still wasn't something that he was too entirely sure that he would be able to avoid. Because his biggest fear is to turn into his abusive father._

 _But how can he make anything serious with Olivia? How can they keep their professional lives and personal separate? Maybe a lateral transfer to the Bronx could solve it if they were to get serious._

He grabbed his phone from the coffee table to see if she had tried to contact him. His heart fluttered at the very thought that she might have. As the screen lit up, his face fell into a scowl when he sees that he had no messages or calls. Hell even an email from work would be welcome at this point to distract him from everything. All his phone read was _2:36 am._ With a sigh he set the phone facing down on the coffee table. At times like this, he missed his Abuelita. She probably would have told him off by the way he acted with Olivia. A small smile reached his face thinking about her silly antics, but then it quickly disappeared. His mother was still not speaking to him which didn't surprise him. Even though he tried to force her to live more comfortably, she passed away on her own terms. But his mother on the other hand was grieving. At this point she was putting the blame on him for her death. Unfortunately, that is something that he can't do anything about.

Flipping through the channels, he finally stopped at a rerun of Good Eats. One of his guilty pleasures that he loves to watch. _Why had he thought that she would contact him? The way he left her, she was probably crying herself to sleep right now._ After making love, Liv fell asleep right away exhausted from worrying about him and everything else going on in her life with Noah and the squad. His mind was racing thinking about Friday night. Just as it was now, his mind was clouded with doubt. He had made promises to himself many years ago to the scared niño from el barrio that up until now he had absolutely no problem in keeping. He didn't want to get hurt which is why he made those promises to himself in order to minimize the amount of pain he might have to endure.

 _But with Olivia and Noah everything is different._ It was close to midnight when he slipped from beneath Olivia that night. He dressed quickly with what clothes he found in the room. Not wanting to leave the room a mess, he folded her clothes and covered her up so she wouldn't get cold. As he slithered through the door he made sure that Noah was still sound asleep. He doesn't know why he had this urge to check up on him but he felt a whole lot better when he saw his little chest rising and falling with each breath he took.

From there he went into the kitchen to clean up their glasses and put back the bottle of scotch and wine back in the cabinet. Realizing now that she must have been distracted because there were three cups. Two half full tumblers of scotch on the kitchen counter and an empty wine glass on the coffee table. A smirk falling on his lips, yes… she was very distracted. Tossing the memories from the previous night out of his mind, he had to get out of the apartment. To clear his head a little. Sleep was obviously not going to come easy for him tonight. Making sure that he washed the glasses and put them away almost forgetting his tie on the counter as he went out the door.

"They're threatening to turn everything upside down." For the first time in his life he felt like he was being pushed to have complete total trust. The niño from el barrio was at this point screaming his head off. Warning him to not put his trust in them because he knew that if he did, trust would lead to something more: love. His heart on the other hand felt like a nagging old lady trying to convince him that he should… and a part of him wanted to.

 _But how can anything work out now? With the way he ran out of Liv's apartment he wouldn't blame her if she never wanted to look at him again. Why was he such a coward?_ At this point he already knew that he would need at least six cups of coffee to get him going in the morning before he even steps foot into work. Now tomorrow will be the real hell. He will have to see her and see how his actions has affected her. She'll try to hide it, but what she doesn't know is that I can read it all in her eyes. Instead of sleeping he might as well be prepared to be able to handle the hatred and the hurt that he's caused her.


	7. Chapter 7

**Faltering Trust**

 **Disclaimer: All characters belong to Dick Wolf and NBC.**

 **AN:** This chapter was hard to write I must say but I do hope you enjoy it! I had to lighten up the mood a bit. I hope you find it as funny as I do. I also want to say thank you for everyone who has reviewed the story! I really appreciate the comments, it's what keeps us writing!

 **CHAPTER 7**

Olivia woke up to the jarring sound of her alarm going off. Normally she would snooze it for another 10 minutes in order to get the most out of her sleep before she had to get up, but today she sat right up. All night she kept dreaming about what happened on Friday. It was like a nightmare that would never end. Her heart was still aching, but it was better than going back to sleep. Slowly she maneuvered her way to the bathroom. She still had about an hour before she had to go to work and Lucy would come over.

 _Hopefully a hot shower will do me some good._ With her restless night of sleep, she felt worse than when she went to bed. She turned on the shower to get the water warmed up since it took a couple minutes and went to check on Noah. _My little boy._ He was still fast asleep, his mouth open a bit with a large wet mark from drooling during the night. _Thankfully, his nightmares seemed to have stopped so he should be back to his old self today. Now for that shower._

As she was getting out of the shower she glanced at the time. _Shit, I'm late._ She grabbed her robe and listened intently to see if she could hear Noah babbling. All she could hear was silence and with that she rushed into her bedroom to get ready.

Just as she was putting on her mascara, the doorbell rang. For a split second she wished that it was Rafael. _Where did that come from? He is the last person that I want to see right now._ Sure enough Lucy was there holding coffee and a bagel for her. "Hey Lucy, I couldn't thank you enough! You're a life saver, I'm running late as it is. You know the drill and Noah is still sleeping."

"Is he ok? He's usually up by now."

"I hope so. He had a full nights rest last night and he hasn't had any nightmares this past weekend either. Let's just hope he's not coming down with anything. The last thing we need is to have him back in the hospital."

"I'll check his temperature throughout the day and keep you updated if anything."

"Thank you Lucy. You have no idea what a life saver you are. Call me if anything." With that Olivia nearly ran out the door. _If she can get a taxi right away she may be able to make it to work on time._ She hated being late especially now that she's Commanding Officer. It looks bad on her when the boss is late. That will just give everyone an excuse to be late and that's something that isn't going to happen.

Luckily, someone was just getting out of a taxi as she was walking out the door from her apartment building. She hopped in the taxi and gave the driver the address to the precinct. Not long after they arrived at the precinct she was walking through the door when someone bumped into her making her spill her coffee all over herself. Grimacing she looked up at the frightened patrol officer offering her a million apologies. "It's fine." _Great… just great. If today wasn't going to be hell already._

She was hoping that nobody would say anything for fear of snapping at them, but then Nick had to pipe up and say something. "Hey Liv! What's up with your shirt?"

She had to take a deep breath in before she turned to Nick with a forced smile on her face, "Not today Nick. Not today." With that she stormed into her office trying not to slam the door but with no luck as Nick was trying to apologize.

"Wow, a little touchy today I see. Well, we all know the drill boys, let's stay out of her way."

"Rollins, why do I get the feeling that you're aiming that comment towards me?"

"Aww, you know me so well Carisi." Fin covered his face to hide his laugh while Nick turned around pretending to fill his already full cup of coffee.

"Sonny."

Distracted Amanda looked up a bit confused, "what?"

"It's Sonny."

"Hey, if you get to call me by my last name then I think it's only fair to call you by yours."

"Fine, Amanda."

"I think we've come to an understanding… Carisi." His eyes widened for a split second then he put his head down mumbling something. "I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you," at this point both Nick and Fin were busting out laughing at their banter.

Carisi only ignored them. He was still getting a lot of crap for being the new guy. He couldn't wait for when it would be over.

From her window Olivia saw the entire altercation. Her squad acted like children sometimes… but they were her children. _My very grown adult children. Sometimes just as bad as Noah. If only Rafael saw this, he'd be…_ The sharp pain hit her like a bullet piercing her heart. It hurt so bad, she grabbed at her chest and took a few deep breaths to see if it would help. It didn't. _Why can't she stop thinking about him? Especially after how he just left her there like some cheap whore. I can't think about him right now._

As she was about to sit down, she heard a knock on her door. "Come in."

"Hey Liv, we caught a case."

"Fill me in Nick." _Thank God._

 _/ / / /_

His day started off being late for work. He woke up to the sun shining on his face through his bedroom window. At some point in the night he had moved from the living room, although the memory was pretty foggy. Waking up with a start, he looked at his phone. It wouldn't turn on. "Shit!" _Of course he forgot to plug in his phone._ He got up and ran into the living room where he could find a clock. His alarm clock broke about three weeks ago, and he was now kicking himself for not having replaced it due to his laziness. _7:29_ _¡_ _Hijo de la gran puta!*_

He was beyond late, normally he left his condo at 7:30 to get there at about 8:00 always making sure he had at least an hour so he can look over his case files before his day would officially begin. He was going to have to skip breakfast all together. Running into the kitchen he started his coffee machine, this too was something he forgot to set last night. If he wasn't going to have breakfast, he sure as hell was going to have his coffee. With the coffee set, he ran to his bathroom ripping his clothes off. _I'll pick them up later._

His whole body ached from an entire weekend of sleepless nights. The shower was too short for him to enjoy the hot water that tried to penetrate his aching muscles. Jumping out of the shower, he dressed quickly hoping that his choice of colors today matched each other. Before heading out the door, he grabbed the biggest thermos he could find and filled it to the brim with coffee and with that sprinted out the door.

It was nearing 9:00 when he finally arrived at his office. Quickly his assistant filled him in on everything for the day. His day was pretty light with only one appearance in court later on that day. That's when he focused on what his assistant was informing him, SVU had caught a new case. _Let the hell begin._ He knew that he would have to run into Olivia, _eventually_ , they work with each other so it was inevitable but Rafael was hoping that he could put it off as long as possible. Obviously that wasn't going to happen especially with the way his day started, he shouldn't be surprised.

About an hour later he heard Nick Amaro speaking with his assistant since his door was slightly ajar. His mouth went dry and his hands were shaking slightly. _Why was he nervous? If he's here then she could be too but would she come? Would she face him? He had to explain everything. He thought about sending a text or an email, but that would be too impersonal. It was something that he had to do in person, which he was terrified to do so._

A knock on his door, "Counselor, I have the files for the case we caught today. Thought you would want a head start." Nick noticed that Barba seemed a little nervous. The first time he's ever seen him that way before, "are you ok? You seem… tense."

"I'm fine. Just had a rough start to the day, hadn't had any breakfast, and about six cups of coffee so far. You know the drill." Rafael knew that it had nothing to do with the coffee, but he wasn't going to tell him that.

With a smile, "that indeed I do. Here you go. Are you gonna drop by if you have any questions?"

"I might, why?" He already had an idea, but wanted to hear it from Nick.

"Ah, it's nothin'. You know Liv came in pretty upset. She seemed to have a horrible morning as well. You know anything about that Counselor?"

"Why would I know anything about that Detective?" He kept his gaze steady so he wouldn't give himself away.

"I just thought that since you guys are close and all she may have told you somethin'." Nick noticed something flash across his eyes. It happened so fast, he wasn't sure he even saw anything. Putting on another smile, "But what do I know huh? I'll see you around Counselor."

"Detective." As Nick was leaving, Rafael let out a breath he didn't realize he was holding. This was the first time this entire morning that he had any down time to think about Olivia. It seemed like Nick knew a little more than he let on… or he was just trying to trick him into telling him more. A ploy detectives like to use against perps to get them to tell them what they want to know.

Olivia… he was angry with himself. He should have went over to her apartment the very next day to explain everything. But he was still just as confused the next day, so what kind of explanation could he have given her? Either way, he hurt her and he had a lot of making up to do. Just how and when he was going to do it was the question. He still wasn't 100% sure that he knew what he was going to say at this point or if she will even give him a chance to tell her how he feels. _He told her he trusted her and it's finally time for him to show it._

As the case had unraveled, Rafael tried to meet up with Olivia throughout the week trying to use that as an excuse to see her. But it seemed as though she was avoiding him all week. Honestly, he couldn't blame her either. He sent a few texts to see if she would meet up with him for lunch or dinner, but she never responded to them. When he tried to call, she would send it to voicemail. So when he did have to talk to the squad about the case, he had to call Fin or Amaro. He was sure that Detective Tutuola knew something was going on while Amaro on the other hand, not so much. Nothing passed by Fin without him noticing but he was also one to know when to keep his mouth shut.

It was Friday night again and the perp had been arrested earlier that day. He was going to stew in jail for the weekend. He picked up his phone to check any last emails he still had to respond to before heading out. He instinctually went to Olivia's contact contemplating whether or not he should try one more time. _Oh what the hell._

He texted her: **Dinner tonight?**

She didn't respond after five minutes, so he grabbed his things and was heading for his car when his phone buzzed.

 **Sure.**

 **Thai? Your place?**

 **Sure.**

Well, it was better than no response.

\\\\\

Translation=*Son of a bitch

Hey guys! I want to thank you for your patience. Like I said, this chapter was a bit hard to write and I wanted it to be perfect. Please remember to review! I have a few ideas for the next chapter already so I should post it in a few days' time.


	8. Chapter 8

**Faltering Trust**

 **Disclaimer: All characters belong to Dick Wolf and NBC.**

 **AN:** This chapter was interesting to write. It does have some mentioning of physical abuse in it, so fair warning! Ugh, I don't like writing about conflict, but it has to be done. I hope you enjoy!

Please review! THANKS A BUNCH!

 **CHAPTER 8**

When she received his text at first she wanted to ignore it like she had the other ones. But she knew that eventually they would have to face each other at work, she couldn't keep ignoring him. Especially when her squad was starting to ask questions.

"Hey Liv, why is Barba contacting me when you're the one he really wants to talk to?"

Shock crossed her face but quickly she got herself together. Not before Fin noticed, "Fin…"

Cutting her off, "Look Liv, I know you guys are close. With everything that happened to you it's only natural for that to happen. But I also know that something happened between you two that neither of you are willing to admit or talk about. You can't keep skirting around each other."

"I'm sorry Fin," she let out a sigh rubbing her hands against her face.

"Do you need me to beat him up for you? Would that make you feel better?" That raised a smile on her face, the reaction he was looking for.

"No Fin but thank you anyways."

"I can't be your personal messenger boy Liv, it's been a week already and honestly it's getting tiring."

"I'm sorry Fin. You're right though. I need to talk to him and straighten this whole mess out."

"That's good to hear. Let me know if you need some muscle. I'm heading out for the night, everyone's gone home. Correction, Nick and Amanda went home together while Carisi went home by himself. G'night Liv."

"Have a goodnight Fin." She laughed to herself when the door was shut behind him. It was pretty funny that Nick and Amanda thought that they were sneaky. They came in one day wearing the other's badge by mistake for a good part of the day. Carisi was off that day and surprisingly Fin didn't say anything, just chuckled at them whenever they weren't looking. It was pretty funny though. Whatever it was that they had going on between them hadn't affected their work. So for now, she would keep their relationship in house. There's no need to get IAB involved if there was no need to.

 _Fin had a good point. She can't keep ignoring him and she can't keep expecting him to be her messenger boy._ Grabbing her belongings she sent her response as she walked out of her office. _Keep it nice and short. Raf… no Barba should get the hint._ She tried to convince herself that if she kept everything as impersonal as possible, she could make it through this dinner with him.

\ \ \

She heard a knock on the door and knew immediately that it was Barba. Noah heard it too and had started crawling his way to the door to see who it was. Taking a deep breath and gathering her composure she opened the door.

He looked a bit disheveled as if he tried to straighten himself up a bit before she answered the door. Obviously it didn't work too well with the food in his hands. He was wearing a two piece suit today a coral colored button down shirt, what looked like a marbled tie that had grey, silver, and coral in it, a grey pocket square, and a black suit. No doubt matching suspenders underneath. _Damn he looked good._

"Hey… are you going to let me in?"

"Oh yes, sorry, come in."

"Raf! Raf!"

As he sat the food down on the counter, he went to pick up the boy, "Hey! ¡Hola amigo! ¿Me echaste de menos? Porque yo si te echado de menos." –Hi my friend! Did you miss me? Because I sure did miss you.

"Raf!" Noah was clueless to what he was saying but giggled at him and gave a big wet kiss on the cheek. His hold on Noah was still a bit awkward as he wiped his cheek on his sleeve.

She was touched. Her Spanish wasn't perfect but she understood enough. She didn't realize how attached Noah had gotten to Rafa… Barba. Fiddling with the food he had brought she managed, "He's been saying your name a bit lately. Every time he hears a knock on the door, he looks up at me with his big green eyes as if asking me if it's you on the other end of that door." Her voice became a soft, a lot softer than she intended it to be. She looked up from the food and saw two sets of crystal clear green eyes staring at her. For a split second she wished that he was Noah's father. _Nonsense._

Rafael saw her guard come down, saw her soften up a bit but when she realized it, he saw her building those walls back up as quickly as she had let them down. "I guess he missed me," setting Noah down, "go play with your toys while Mommy and I get the food ready." Obligingly Noah crawled away to his shark, a present that Rafael had bought him a couple months back. "I see that the shark is still his favorite."

"Hmmm. Yes, I suppose it is." Her voice was void of any emotion. He wasn't going to get to her that easy, she wouldn't let him. She grabbed two tumblers, filling both with scotch. In the corner of her eye, she can see him raise his eyebrows in question.

"Rough day Olivia?"

"Let's just say it was a rough week Counselor."

So she was reverting back to formalities. He had guessed her reaction as much, "Look, Olivia…"

"Don't. Not right now Barba."

"Then when Olivia."

"Later, after Noah's gone to bed." Neither stated a word to each other throughout the entire dinner. Noah was oblivious to the silence being too young to notice a difference. He was just happy that he finally had the two people he's been wanting to see in the same room together. There was a heaviness of hurt and anger that lingered all the way up until Noah was finally asleep.

He waited for her to sit down as he took a huge swig of his scotch. He needed the false courage that the liquid always made him feel. "Olivia… we need to talk. Seriously."

"You don't think I know that? Did you honestly expect me to avoid you forever?"

 _Oh, ok. Not what I was expecting._ At this point he downed the rest of his scotch. "I have to explain why I left last week." He had gotten up from his seat to refill his drink.

She waited for him to sit back down. "Oh yea, why don't you just go right ahead? I mean, in all honesty I'm surprised that you're even explaining yourself at all. You left me in the middle of the night like some cheap whore. But you know what Barba, I'm listening go right ahead."

 _Ouch, ok..._ "I'm sorry if I made you feel that way Olivia, I swear to you that is the last thing that I wanted you to feel. You're important to me…"

"If I'm so important, why didn't you try to contact me last weekend? Hell you could've left a note at least! But no you even did the damn dishes like you were never even here!"

"Olivia, please keep your voice down. You're going to wake up Noah," with that he could see her calm down a bit, "I'm sorry, I know I should have contacted you, I know I should have left a note but…"

"But what Barba…"

"Liv please stop interrupting me," this time she could hear the venom he normally reserved for the perps that got under his skin spewing out. He took a long deep breath to gather his composure a bit before he continued. "Liv, you are so important to me. The last thing that I want to do is hurt you and it seems like that's the only thing that I seem to be able to do… Something that I can't keep doing, not to you not to Noah." She could see a little bit of the guilt he still carried with him, some of it most likely still from everything that had happened with Lewis.

"I'm so deeply sorry Olivia for everything that I've done to hurt you."

"What are you trying to say Rafael?" He could hear the pain in her voice.

"Please Liv, let me finish… When you first heard about my past it was last year when Alex Muñoz had come back into my life. You learned then that I had a rough child hood getting beat up on a regular basis. So Alex and Eddie did their best to protect me as much as they could, but there was one person that they couldn't protect me from. That person was my father. He was an alcoholic and every night he would come home drunk beyond belief. He was a very mean person when he was sober, but he turned into a monster when he was drunk. He started tossing my mom around like a ragdoll. She didn't leave the house for weeks at a time because of the bruises he'd leave on her she had no excuse to provide as an explanation so other people wouldn't get suspicious. During this time we had absolutely no contact with any family or friends that would have convinced her to leave him. Even mi Abuelita wasn't allowed to call us. When I was about seven, I had enough. I couldn't just stand by and watch him hurt her anymore. So I finally stood up to him."

With a look of disgust he continued, "Little good did that do me. He started throwing punches at me like I was a punching bag. But it was worth it, from that day on he stopped hurting her. Unfortunately she was too scared to stop him. I tried many times to convince her to leave him, to run away with me. She wouldn't go." Tears were starting to form in his eyes, his voice was hoarse with emotion.

"I thought that I could leave her. I tried to run away once. I was gone less than a day when Alex and Eddie came running to me, their faces were pale and they were obviously scared of something. They didn't have to tell me anything because I knew. By the time I got home, I saw my father being dragged into the back of a police car and my mother was being loaded onto a stretcher. I was so scared that it felt like I couldn't move. The next thing I know I was in the ambulance with her. I could barely recognize her she was beaten up so badly. But she made me promise to tell nobody what happened. I couldn't tell anybody that he beat us."

"Of course CPS were called and they asked me a whole bunch of questions, but I did as mi Mami told me to do and kept my mouth shut. A few days later against doctor's orders she left the hospital. Papi was there waiting for us. He was already drunk. I had never seen him so angry in my life. That was the first and only time she had tried to stop him from hurting me. He almost killed me that night. I have absolutely no memory of what happened that night or what happened within that week. All I remember is the way he looked before he came charging at me, my mother pushing me behind her to try to stop him. I didn't try to run away after that."

"Rafael… I'm so sorry. I…" Her voice was a soft whisper.

"There's nothing for you to be sorry for Liv. Over the years there were a few teachers that tried to help us leave him. But they only made things worse and somehow he was able to get them to disappear one by one. They would suddenly move or transfer to another district. For five years he abused me physically and emotionally. For a time I hated my mother for being so weak. But I just didn't understand…couldn't understand back then. Then one day, he never came home after work. We found out a few days later that he had died of a heart attack at a bar. The news of his death was one of the happiest days of my life."

"Not long after, I made a promise to myself that I would never have a family. No wife or kids. I couldn't run the risk of putting my family through something like that. All the relationships that I've had with women have been sexual in nature, never mixing up work with pleasure. I did that once and it almost cost me my career. Except with you… I somehow easily broke both of the most important promises that I've made to myself and have hurt you in the process."

She felt very uneasy at the moment. Everything that he had told her was still processing in her mind, but it all made sense. _The way he was so guarded, the way he never let anyone in… except for her. He let her in…_

"I can't keep hurting you," this came out as a whisper. So with more force trying to force some bravado, "Sergeant, I… we can't continue whatever we started."

/ / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / /

OH MY GOD YOU GUYS PLEASE DON'T HATE ME! It's just how the story flowed out, like water! Please don't stop reading the story, it will get better I promise! Please review and let me know what you think!


	9. Chapter 9

**Faltering Trust**

 **Disclaimer: All characters belong to Dick Wolf and NBC.**

 **AN:** Ok… so I really want to apologize for taking so long with this chapter. I wrote it the same day I posted chapter 8 but it seemed a bit off. It wasn't right, I had to rewrite it a few times, but I'm happy with the way it turned out! This chapter is a wee bit shorter than normal but I think it fits the characters more than the previous versions. I may write a few more chapters after this, so let me know if you're wanting more and I'll oblige. Now without further ado…

Please review! THANKS A BUNCH!

 **CHAPTER 9**

As soon as he said the words he hated himself for it but it would be for the best. Her beautiful face was now marred with the look of hurt, anger, and mistrust. He couldn't look at her any longer as he could see a tear roll down her cheek so he stared at his glass instead.

Something snapped in her head, whether it was the feel of the tear sliding down her cheek or the fact that he was no longer holding her gaze. She wiped at the trail the tear left so hard that she hurt herself.

"Are you fucking kidding me?" He could hear all the hurt and anger in her voice.

"Liv I…"

"Don't you dare call me that, you don't get that right!" With each word, her voice was getting higher and higher, almost to a scream at this point.

He snapped his head up and he saw the rage seeping through her. She was grabbing the glass so hard that her knuckles were turning white and for a split second he was scared she might throw the glass at him. Whatever the liquid was supposed to do, it didn't do the job tonight. All of his bravado went completely out the window.

"Olivia, I'm sorry." His voice was just a whisper, his eyes pleading with her to try to keep her voice down for Noah's sake.

"Wow… you're sorry?" She couldn't sit anymore. She can't believe what was coming out of his mouth. Infuriated she stands up and walks over the to kitchen counter setting the glass down with more force than she intended thinking that she probably cracked it. She looks back at him and notices that his gaze was following her every move. And that pissed her off to no end. Having nothing to keep her hands from shaking, she balled them up at her sides.

"I guess this is probably the first time that the hotshot ADA Rafael Barba has ever apologized in his life." She saw him flinch and she was glad. Her words were supposed to be dripping with venom. "Oh man, I should have recorded this monumental moment! But everything is ok now, because you're sorry? Do you, in your right mind really believe that everything will be ok just because you apologized?"

"Liv…"

"I told you not to call me that!" He could see how red her face had gotten, her fists were shaking at her sides. "You know what? Since you're so damn sorry and so goddamn idiotic to think that everything will be better, I want you to get the hell out."

His stomach sank to the floor; he shot up from the couch as he dropped his glass. He knew what she meant and he wasn't going to just leave so easily. "Olivia, I'm not leaving." His voice was no longer weak, he was angry at her for even mentioning it.

"Why the hell not? You seem to do perfectly fine without us. Hell you even used me for your entertainment and I gotta say that I'm done Rafael."

"I didn't use you, it was real! All of it, everything that happened happened because we both wanted it. Why can't you understand that you're important to me?" He thought that he had made the right decision before, somehow convincing himself earlier that they could just remain friends. He was confident that they would be able to do that, but she was right. He was an idiot for thinking that she would want anything to do with him afterwards. Now uncertain if he believed it himself, but he knows that he sure as hell was hoping they could be friends.

"You're right, I wanted it." He wasn't looking at her at this point, instead he was staring off right past her. "Why do you keep saying that? That I'm important to you? Because by the way you're acting it sure as hell doesn't seem like it."

He looked at her now, his eyes seeming to be looking into her soul, "But you and Noah are the most important things to me Olivia. More important than even my damn job! You of all people should understand that."

"Actions speak louder than words Rafael…"

"Liv, what the hell do you think I'm trying to do?"

She realized half way through his speech what he was trying to do, so she decided that she was going to beat him to it. She couldn't let him continue believing it though. "Why don't you see what I see?" Her eyes were pleading with him now. "Rafael, I understand that you're afraid to become your father. I of all people completely understand because I was afraid for the longest time in becoming my mother. They are a part of us but they aren't us. They shaped us into becoming the people we are no matter how much pain they put us through… we are who we are because of them. That doesn't make me anymore my mother as that makes you anymore your father."

"You're afraid of hurting Noah, I get it but have you ever stopped to think about your reaction when we get a case that involves a child? How you react isn't violent in any way, you hurt just as much as I hurt. Honestly, when it comes to children, I don't believe you have a mean bone in your body. How can you hurt another child, when you're trying to protect the scared niño from el barrio?" Her voice at this point became somber her eyes filling with sadness.

She was right. Everything she said was inarguably correct but he couldn't. "Liv… I can't…" he stated with defeat.

The sadness disappeared from her eyes and was replaced with anger. She was going to hurt him like he was hurting her. "You know I was stupid to think that maybe for a second that this, whatever this thing between us, could be more than just sex but obviously I was wrong. Look I don't have any more use for you as I'm sure you don't for me. So why don't you both do us a favor and get the hell out!"

He stepped closer to her now only a few feet away. "No!" He was growling out his words now. "The hell I am. I'm not going anywhere Liv."

"Just get out!" She tried to push him away from her, he felt like he was on top of her and she needed to escape, to breath. But he didn't move, he stood in the same spot no matter how hard she pushed. She was trapped with the kitchen counter behind her and now his arms were on either side of her. Fresh tears started running down her face, "Look I know you don't care for me, not the way I care for you. Honestly, at this point, I shouldn't have expected anything more than that. Just go Rafael, you have no obligation to me anymore. Walk out the door just like everyone else." The last part was almost a whisper.

He looked at her bowed head with shock. His heart was breaking for her. He knew of some of her past relationships and he also knew that everyone left her a little more heartbroken than the last. He remembers Nick briefly mentioning her old partner to him and how devastated and mistrusting she was when Nick had first started at SVU. Her old partner was the one that had, at that point, broken her heart the worst but looking at Olivia right now, he saw that her heart may have been broken before, but what he was doing to her was shattering it.

She was trying to give him an out so at least this time she can say that he didn't leave, but she left him. This was the farthest thing from what he wanted. She truly had absolutely no clue how important they were to him. He still wanted both of them in his life, but the only option for him at this point is to be in this 100% or to leave them and a huge part of himself behind. The scared niño from el barrio was screaming at him, telling him to run away, to keep the promises that he had made to himself. He knew better than that though, he knew that if he left, he would never be the same person. For once in his life, he comforted the scared niño from el barrio, making a new promise to himself.

Taking his right hand, he gently lifted her chin up so she could meet his eyes. His eyes were filled with tears which he spilled one at a time. "I won't leave either of you. I can't leave and I never will because I love you both. I would be the biggest fool in the world to let you disappear out of my life. I wouldn't be living if I did. I would just be a shell doing what I have to do to survive."

With the last words leaving his mouth, he waited a second to let his words sink in. He saw them register on her beautiful face and a look of shock was there, he brushed his lips on her forehead lightly kissing it, moved down to kiss each eyelid, and finally resting on her lips. The kiss was so gentle and yet it was forceful at the same time, it confirmed every word that was just uttered.


	10. Chapter 10

**Faltering Trust**

 **Disclaimer: All characters belong to Dick Wolf and NBC.**

 **AN:** Sorry it took so long to update, but once again, I wanted to get everything right. Now onto this chapter! Smut…just pure smut. So if you're not into it, then I suggest you don't read it... seriously, the entire chapter is smut. I have no idea if it's any good though but I hope you guys enjoy it. Let me know your reactions.

:D Please review! THANKS A BUNCH!

 **CHAPTER 10**

With the kiss she knew everything that he just stated was a fact. She knew, somehow, from the very first time they met she could trust him. When they shook hands, something happened that she tried to ignore for the longest time but was always kept at bay. It felt like a jolt of lightning that had passed between them, she knew that he felt it too, his emerald green eyes widening slightly in surprise. The spark that had started it all was now turning into a roaring fire, one that has been slowly burning since that fateful day.

She knew that she would never want to go a day without being able to feel the soft caress of his hands, the sweet taste of his lips, or the sparkle in his eyes. She knew that she wouldn't be more than _a shell_ if he were to have walked out of her life. She was heartbroken before, but this time would have been the nail in the coffin when it came to love. She knew that he would be the last man that she would ever love. He was her sun and without him there would be no light. She knew that she loved him.

She then moved her right hand to the back of his nape while her left hand ran through his hair lightly scratching the back of his head causing him to give a small sigh.

With this new position, he moved closer to her without breaking contact and gently flicked his tongue over her bottom lip asking for access. She immediately accepted his advances and with that he deepened the kiss. His tongue was touching certain parts of her mouth that was causing the fire to start spreading through her. _Whatever he's doing I don't want him to stop!_

She couldn't control a moan that escaped from her mouth. He took it as a cue to abruptly stop his assault on her mouth to only continue his onslaught on her neck slowly moving further down. Nipping and gently scraping his teeth down her throat eliciting another moan.

He suddenly scooped her up and for a second she was confused on what was going on, her senses still muddled from his attack.

He looked down at her confused face and whispered in her ear, "No te preocupes. We're going to the bedroom."

"Oh… ok." The only two words that she was able to manage. Her head was foggy, she couldn't think straight. All she knew was that she wanted him and badly.

They entered the bedroom and closed the door before gently laying her down on the bed. He was about to turn the lights off, "No, Rafael… leave them on."

That cocky smirk of his flashed across his handsome face. His hair was disheveled and somehow he only had his undershirt and pants still on. She wasn't sure when he undressed himself, but she loved the disheveled look of his. She bit her lower lip as he sauntered over to the bed making sure she moved to the edge of the bed facing him.

He came up to her stopping in between her legs and slowly pulled her shirt off over her head. Capturing her lips in his she went for his pants and undid them pushing them down past his hips as they dropped to the floor. He stepped out of them quickly and he made quick work of her own pair.

He broke their kiss to look at her in her full glory. _Puta madre… she's beautiful._ She lay back slightly, on her elbows to prop herself up. She wore a matching set of black lace bra and panties. The scars on her body did nothing to mar her beautiful form.

As she propped herself up on her elbows, she has the perfect view. From their last encounter she could tell he was slightly muscular, but now in the light she could see how much. _When does he have time to go to the gym? He wasn't chiseled by any means but enough that you could tell that he tries to keep up with his physique. His chest was nice and wide… a nice pillow. His lightly toned arms at his sides, obviously he worked out enough for him to be able to pick her up and carry her without much effort._

She could see the beginnings of a six pack forming on his abs. _Not washboard abs, but that would be too much for him, he is perfect just as he is._ The urge to run her hands over his abs soared through her, but she would be patient… she had time for that. Then there was the trail of hair on his abs leading straight to his package. Biting her lower lip she imagined nipping his body as she made her way southward. His cock was straining against his boxers, clearly wanting to be released from its cage. From what she could tell he was well endowed… _No wonder I was sore as hell the next day._

"Come here Rafael." She instructed.

He diligently obeyed. He went to kiss her luscious lips when she stopped him.

"No, lay on the bed." She had the most devilish grin on her face so they swapped positions. He laid in the middle of the bed waiting for her next move. She took another second to admire him but he grew impatient and tried to pull her on top of him.

"Uh-uh." She clucked her teeth at him before she slowly and deliberately moved on top of him catching his lips to hers. She was hungry for him and she wanted him to know it. Grabbing his wrists, she held them up above his head.

His breath hitched a bit from his excitement on what she was going to do next. "Liv…"

"Shh… it's my turn," kissing him again.

He knew that she could feel the entire length of him as her ass was directly on top of it. His shaft pulsating against her perfectly round ass, itching to gain some friction he instinctively tried moving his hands to grasp her hips.

"Do I need to get the handcuffs out?" She purred in his ear. He had no words, they were stuck in his throat. He gulped hard enough for her to be able to see his Adam's apple bob up and down. He then quickly grabbed the rails to the headboard to help keep his hands there.

"Hmm… I was hoping we could use them. Maybe next time." He nodded in agreement, "Good."

She went for his neck where she could see his pulse beating rapidly and sucked sensuously on it, evoking a deep moan from him. A small smile played across her lips as she ventured further south, nipping and kissing along the way.

He swears that she was leaving a trail of fire wherever her mouth touched but he was loving every single minute of it. He thought that letting her take control would drive him insane because he is so used to having complete control. _It was driving him insane but definitely in a good way._ He was writhing beneath her touch wanting to be able to feel her body on his as much as possible. He was tempted to move his hands from the headboard just so she can pull out the handcuffs. _Fuck that would be hot. But it would take too long to pull them out. Next time for sure._

She reached his nipple and tested his reaction to her touch. With her experience, it depended on the guy, some men liked their nipples touched others didn't. She used her right hand to lightly pinch his left nipple. He quickly sucked in a breath through his teeth. A knowing grin crossed her face. _God yes he likes it._ She continued to flick and lightly pinch his right nipple while she took the opportunity to suck and bite his left.

"Fuck Liv," he moaned.

With his moan she decided to make him want more and started moving in a slow rhythm over his cock.

"Joder…Fuck." His eyes were closed as he started to move his hips in line with hers. He could feel his boxers getting wet from her juices soaking through the material of her lace panties and his silk boxers. "Switch… please…" he begged her.

She obliged switching her mouth from his left nipple to the right and vice versa.

"Dios…" he gritted out. He was never one to particularly like having his nipples messed with but she was doing things to him that would make him want to try anything at least once.

She stopped her sensual attack suddenly, confused he opened his eyes and looked at her whimpering. Without looking up she continued to nip and kiss his abs, following his treasure trail down making sure she ran her hands slowly down his naturally tan skin relishing in the power and strength beneath them. When she reached the seam of his boxers, she lightly tapped the side of his plump ass. Without speaking he knew to lift himself enough for her to pull his boxers off.

He stood at full attention for her. _God he's huge._ She looked up for the first time at his face since she began her assault.

He could see a light in her eyes like she was a kid in a candy store. One thing he never had complaints was in his package, always leaving a very satisfied customer. The signature cocky smirk gracing his appearance once again.

 _Of course he knows… we'll see how he reacts to this._ She grinned back at him before she continued her trail down to his cock that was at this point pulsating waiting for release.

She hovered above the tip that was glistening with pre-cum, twitching in anticipation when she instead slowly kissed his inner right thigh and then the left while another moan escaped his lips. She went to gently massage his balls before she nipped at them lightly causing him to gasp for air at the unexpected pleasure that was flooding him. Slowly she moved her mouth up his shaft, making sure to rub her tongue in circles as she moved up along a thick vein that was on the underside.

She couldn't understand what he was saying at this point a mixture of Spanglish coming out which made her smile to herself. She looked up at him once she reached the tip, his head was thrown back into the pillow, and his eyes shut tight while his hands were still gripping tightly to the headboard.

"Look at me Rafael."

He hadn't realized how tight he was holding onto the rails on the headboard as he opened his eyes and glanced at his hands he noticed his knuckles were already white. He flexed them and loosened his grip a bit before he focused his attention on Olivia. As he stared into her eyes, he could see the hunger and want in her eyes. He was just as sure she could find the same in his and a thought occurred to him. _He would do anything in order to be able to see that devilish grin on her face for the rest of his life._

She started to blow softly on the tip of his cock, causing a marvelous sensation that switched from the heat that he could still feel from her mouth to a cooling sensation. All the while still holding his gaze, she lowered her mouth to the tip and licked the pre-cum off like an ice-cream cone. It took everything in his power to keep his gaze on her as another groan escaped from his lips.

As she stared into his eyes, the devilish grin never faded from her features. _Joder, this is so hot. How much practice has she had?_ He didn't want to know the answer to that question, instead he focused on what she was doing to him. _So far his toes hadn't curled yet…_ She then broke the trance they were in and devoured his cock into her mouth. _Nevermind._ He couldn't help but throw his head back as his toes curled up in pleasure. He couldn't hold onto the headboard any longer, his hands were starting to hurt from grabbing the rails so hard, so he impulsively moved his hands down to lightly grab the back of her head. Half expecting her to stop and pull out the cuffs, but he realized she didn't move.

She didn't mind him guiding her head as she continued to suck and lick his cock. She was enjoying the way she could elicit so many moans out of him for the fact that Rafael Barba was never one without words and right now, he couldn't string a sentence along if his life depended on it. He was bigger than she thought, even with slurping up a good portion of him, she still had a whole hand and a half still left of him that she couldn't quite fit into her mouth.

He couldn't take it anymore, he was done with playing around and he wanted to be buried inside her and now.

"Fuck Olivia, now" he growled. He sat up, lifted her head and bent down far enough so he could grab her ass to flip her underneath him. He kissed her hard deepening the kiss as he thrust himself inside her as hard as he could.

Breaking the kiss she gasped and moaned at the same time reveling in the feel of him inside of her. Naturally she moved her legs high up around his waist while her arms came underneath his that were supporting him on either side of her to grab onto his back.

He ducked his head tearing his mouth from hers to continue his assault on the pulse on the base of her neck that was beating erratically. Still he hadn't moved from his position inside of her because he loved the feel of her walls snuggly fitting around his member. It was almost like he was meant to be there, he fit so perfectly.

"Rafael…" she groaned.

At that instinct it felt like a primal need just took over him. He had to have her in every which way now; she had to understand just how bad he needed her. He plunged into her hard nice and slow at first. With each thrust she would buck her hips towards his making sure he was buried to the hilt inside her. Each thrust harder and faster than the last one causing her to dig her nails in his back.

She couldn't control the sounds that were coming out of her mouth so she bit his shoulder to try to stifle them.

"Fuck" he growled. Pausing for a second he sat back on his knees in order to pick her up from her waist so she was straddling him.

She gasped at the quick movement taking her by surprise. He grunted at her response and started to fiercely thrust inside her like it would be the last time he could. She flung her head back not being able to make any sounds and he took the opportunity to hungrily scrape this teeth against her neck making sure he sucked on the same spot to make up for the harsh treatment of the sensitive skin.

He felt her climax coming as her walls clenched tightly around him which caused her to moan his name against his shoulder. He rode out her climax pumping a few more times until he joined her in the same blissful ecstasy that enveloped them filling her to the brim; both of them crashing to the bed panting heavily in between kisses.


	11. Chapter 11

**Faltering Trust**

 **Disclaimer: All characters belong to Dick Wolf and NBC.**

 **AN:** So after the last chapter it is only right to be followed by fluff! Thank you to those who reviewed the last chapter, I really appreciate it. I have a few ideas rolling around in my head about where I want this story to go so there are still a few chapters left. I'm sorry if this feels a little OOC, but I realized this is the most back and forth dialogue I've had to write and it's very challenging. I also want to apologize for the long wait for this update! I was busy and then I started a few Korean dramas and there went three weeks. Sorry guys haha.

:D Please review! THANKS A BUNCH!

 **CHAPTER 11a**

Rafael woke up to the sun streaming in his eyes as he heard hushed babbling and giggling next to him. Stretching a bit he turned his body trying to avoid the sunlight as he snuggled closer to his pillow.

"Raf!"

"Noah honey shhh. Rafael is still sleeping."

"Raf…" he tried whispering his name.

Rafael broke into a smile as he opened his eyes to see Noah attempting to put his finger over his mouth signaling for them to be quiet.

"I'm awake now." He stated groggily as he rubbed his eyes trying to stifle a yawn.

"I'm sorry, I didn't want to wake you. Looked like you needed the rest."

Sitting halfway up he looked at Olivia with a serious look, "You're trying to say something Sergeant?"

For a second she couldn't tell if he was joking until he broke out into a huge grin. Smiling, "yes Counselor, you looked tired… probably could use a few more hours of sleep by the looks of it."

He clutched his heart feigning to be hurt, "you're brutal sometimes Liv." Shrugging with a goofy smile on his face he confessed, "Either way, no need to apologize. I'm happy to have woken up next to the two most important people in my life."

She shyly smiled as she felt her face grow warm still not used to the compliments he would throw her way or even being treated like she was a top priority.

Cupping her face with his left hand he rubbed his thumb on her cheek absentmindedly. _He knew she wasn't used to being treated the way she deserved which was like a queen. It's important to make sure she knew that she deserved to be treated as such. She was an amazing woman who could do almost anything. Here she was the Commanding Officer of her own squad, a brilliant leader, mother, and friend; after going through the most terrifying horrific experiences anybody could ever imagine being in she has not only survived but has persevered._

"You might as well get used to the compliments because they're never going to stop." He stated matter-of-factly as he leaned in and pecked her on the lips which caused her to turn an even darker shade of red.

"Raf!" Noah was now begging for attention since he was being ignored by both of them.

"¡Buenos días mi amigo! I see you have your favorite toy with you," tickling the little boy.

Giggling he held up his toy shark the one that Rafael had given him. Noah suddenly turned his head towards Rafael as he pointed to his cheek.

Rafael was at a loss not understanding what Noah wanted as he saw the toddler quickly becoming frustrated. With a confused look he glanced up at Olivia to see if she had any idea of what he wanted.

As Rafael looked at her with a lost expression on his face, she replied, "I think he wants you to give him a kiss."

Rafael's expression changed from confusion to an expression of are you sure? Liv just shrugged his way, so he decided that it couldn't hurt. He bent his head down a bit and kissed the now fretting toddler on the cheek.

Instantly Noah cracked a smile and giggled. He was trying to give Rafael a kiss on the cheek but not having the greatest of coordination ended up being a big wet sloppy one.

"¿Quieres más besos, ah?" Rafael started to peck his face with kisses causing Noah to burst into laughter.

As everyone was laughing and enjoying themselves, Olivia's stomach rumbled loudly. Both Rafael and Noah stopped abruptly and looked at her wide eyed.

"Someone's hungry," he smirked. Picking Noah up he asked, "¿quieres desayuno?"

"Yes please, I'm starving."

Noah looked so confused looking back and forth between them.

"Yes sweetheart, desayuno means breakfast."

"Yuno!" He seemed to have an understanding that it had to do with food, something that he was always a fan of.

"Here let me take him so you can put some clothes on." _Don't get me wrong, he looks absolutely enticing right now. She more so needed him to put on a shirt; she didn't know if she would be able to control herself any longer._

Their eyes met as he handed Noah over to her and he saw the raw hunger in her eyes and understood that it was more for their benefit and not Noah's that he put on clothes. He couldn't help a knowing smirk cross his face.

She felt a chill run down her spine as they tore their gaze from each other. Trying to get her mind off of what she really wanted to do to him she turned her attention back on Noah, "come on Noah, let's get some desayuno."

Noah turned around in his mother's grasp to waive goodbye to Rafael like he was leaving for the day instead of just a few minutes. Chuckling to himself he shuffled around the bedroom trying to find his clothes that were strewn on the floor.

A few minutes later, he emerged from the bathroom with his pants and undershirt on, his face recently washed and his hair slicked back a bit, his futile attempt to not look so disheveled. He walked into the living room to lay down the rest of his clothes with his jacket making sure he wouldn't forget anything. He could see Noah sitting in his highchair at the kitchen bar with a few pieces of banana on the tray and what looked like some yogurt that Liv was trying to feed him.

 _For being a toddler he doesn't seem to be a messy eater,_ he mused. _It's probably because of his love for food, something that we both have in common._

"Hey I wasn't sure what you wanted to eat so I was going to wait for you but in the meantime I made coffee."

He took the steaming cup of coffee in his hands as he took a big whiff of the delicious magical liquid, "You know me so well Liv." He took a huge gulp, "But what do you have that we could eat? The last I remember your kitchen was pretty bare."

"Thanks for the compliment Counselor. But if I may say so myself, you can check the fridge if you want, but it's pretty full now a days. I have a toddler to feed you know."

He went over to look into the fridge to see what her 'pretty full now a days' actually comprised of, "I honestly thought you always had take-out. I mean, I'm the one who usually brings it over." He was surprised to see her fridge pretty stocked with a variety of choices. "Do you have pancake mix?"

"I think so, check that cabinet over there." Feeding another spoonful of the cereal yogurt to Noah, she was grateful that he wasn't a picky eater and would pretty much eat anything.

"Aha! Ok, well how about pancakes, eggs, and bacon sound?"

"Sounds delicious right about now. Can you finish feeding Noah, I got the breakfast."

"No don't worry, I'll make everything."

"Are you sure?"

"Of course I'm sure. You know in most Hispanic cultures, the boys aren't taught to clean and cook. The females in the family, whether it be their mothers or sisters, would do everything for them. Lucky for you Olivia, that was not the case in my house. Abuelita made sure of that." He started gathering all of the ingredients that they needed to make breakfast.

"Oh, well that's good to know that I won't have to be picking up after two children, just the one."

He looked back at and huffed, "Hey now, first of all I'm not a child… you would know that better than anyone and secondly, I stated that I know how to clean and cook, that doesn't mean I'll willingly do it."

Olivia's mouth fell wide open as she glared at Rafael in shock.

He couldn't help but burst out laughing at her expression, "You do know that I'm joking about not cleaning and cooking right?" He held up the whisk and bowl in his hands.

He noticed Noah clapping his hands and giggling with no idea as to what he was laughing at just happy to share in the good mood. Rafael couldn't help the goofy grin cross his face as he looked from Noah to Liv who was now pouting.

Turning towards the stove to start a few pancakes and bacon cooking he heard Liv ask, "What are you smiling about now?"

Still pouting a bit since she couldn't think of a better response as she was wiping Noah's tray. In all honesty she loved the playful banter between them because it was how they flirted with each other which she realized many months ago.

He paused for a second before turning his attention back to her, "Just how beautiful you are."

She froze with her hand in mid-air that was scooping the crumbs from Noah's tray into her hands. She could feel the heat rising from the back of her neck to her face, knowing full well that she was blushing a dark red.

That cocky smirk graced his face again as he turned around, "I told you, you needed to get used to the compliments… they're just going to keep coming."

"Well… maybe I would be able to get used to them if they didn't come out of left field," flustered she continued to finish cleaning Noah's tray.

After flipping the first few pancakes he looked over his shoulder, "what would be the fun in that Liv?"

She walked over and stood next to him. "I didn't realize you took fun in seeing me discombobulated." She gave him a quick kiss on the cheek.

Chuckling, "you have no idea."

Rafael was able to finish making breakfast fairly quickly. To Olivia's surprise he was a pretty good cook, unfortunately much better than her but in the end, it just meant that she wouldn't have to be the one cooking all the time.

 _Wait is he going to move in? Am I going to move in with him?_

 _Ok, calm down. I'm getting ahead of myself here. Let's just take this one day at a time. I can do this… but damn he looks good._

"Liv… Liv… Olivia?"

"Hmm... what?" _Shit._ She didn't realize that she was staring at him.

"I was asking what you two had planned for today."

"Oh uh… just planning to going to the park for a bit. Just relaxing really. Haven't gotten much rest this past week. What about you?"

"Nothing really planned until tonight." He noticed her expression change to a mixture of surprise and curiosity. "I'm going to meet my mother tonight for dinner."

Realization registered on her features, "Rafael, have you been able to speak to her before this? Since your Abuelita passing?"

She could see his demeanor change slightly to that of sadness.

"Well, she blamed me at first for her passing away. In all honesty, I'm pretty sure a part of her still blames me but I am her only child. I'm all that she has left now… but she's hurting. So even if it takes her a few weeks or years for her to stop blaming me for her death, I'll still be there for her. She's my mom you know."

"I'm sorry Rafael."

Rafael went to say something but she cut him off.

"No listen. I'm sorry because you're still hurting. I'm sorry because I know that there isn't anything that I can do to make the pain go away and I'm sorry that she blames you for her death. Your Abuelita's death isn't your fault. She passed away on her own terms Rafael. That's extremely brave of her. From the stories that you've told me, I'm pretty sure I would have loved her."

His eyes were stinging from the tears that were threatening to spill over. _Olivia was the only person other than his Abuelita that could undo him with just a few words._ "She would have loved you Liv."

λλλ

 **Hey guys! So again I want to apologize for the long wait for this chapter… but as I was proof-reading it, I couldn't help but smile. I really hope you guys like it. It seems as though writing about hurt and angst comes easier to me… and sex. HAHA! Either way let me know if you would like for the Spanish to be translated. I decided not to in this chapter because it is pretty much explained what it means directly after the dialogue. Can't wait for the reviews!**


End file.
